February was an ass kicker. There was so much going on with sick kids and the push and pull of a relationship in flux. Throw some wildly imagined dreams in there and it served for a pretty rough month.
I alternately find myself enchanted and intimidated by this whole idea of dreaming in public spaces. I mean, I put it out there for any person passing by to read. And in the putting it out there it gained some steam, some shape and started to seem like a real possibility.
What I am alluding to is that my dreams have been professed and I fell in love with one particular one and started to fixate pretty hard on it…the whole get in the vanagon and leave thing. Step one :: find a vanagon, right? Which we did and which I loved and found so enchanting. But then I saw Tim’s demeanor start to shift a little bit and then things took their own turn in his life and some of the whole ‘stars are so aligned’ part began to get a little off center and then we had the whole family involved in the discussion (one of the downsides of living communally is that everyone knows your business)…and in the mix of it all, I found myself crushed and disappointed that my so-called life partner was jumping ship on THE most important dream of my life.
Now, a few days later and a few discussions later and the passing of the worst PMS I have had in years and things are starting to look a little less rocky. And I am finding a new equilibrium and some new realizations. They are pretty new and tender and still re-orienting themselves but they are good ones. My biggest realization is that things do not have to happen on a specific time line, especially the ones I set arbitrarily. There is no rule saying that we had to get the vanagon today and be in it by August and be able to juggle all the things that would need to be juggled in order to leave for months at a time…
Realizing that and accepting it have helped me immensely in the last few days. It is so easy for me to get wrapped up in the ideas I threw around in my Mondo list and I found letting go of this particular dream opened up the possibility of a few more.
And so the latest plan has me a step closer to meeting some of the people that I have ‘met’ through this medium and seeing an old friend in New York in August. And maybe getting to Canada much earlier than I thought. Both trips would be for much less time than I anticipated but that is okay because now both trips can happen.
And there you go…Mondo off track and on track. Sorry to recap it all as an event already occurred…I am not very good at writing when things are not going my way. Just never have been good at blogging the more challenging aspects of life and relationship, intimate details always feel like secret details in the moment.
A few things helped bolster me during the last month and it is good because otherwise I might have just turned down this blog. I’ll make sure to post them up here, but for now, I will just let this out and remind myself and any reading that dreams can happen, sometimes in the most mysterious of ways…
They start as seeds, needing to be planted and left alone, given some water occasionally, then left alone again...
And sometimes the path of least resistance is just the right path to take.
I often feel like this when Jon is not on board with my dreams. He is the realist of the two of us and I have to remind myself that he grounds me when I need to be grounded.
ReplyDeleteI can not stop thinking about where my Mondo will end up. I have an idea but am not even close to sharing it yet.
Ahhhh... the tyranny of those self-imposed timelines. And the frustration when others take longer to arrive at the same point.
ReplyDeleteSweet friend, you are not alone.
Recently I found a series of To Do lists that I made before my little 'un arrived. At the time, I was so anxious that the items that I did not manage to tick off were the ones that I needed my husband's help with. It made me resent what I saw as unsupportive (even lazy) behaviour.
Now, looking back, I am inclined to be a bit more forgiving of us both.
Everything worked out fine. In fact, some things worked out better.
Hi lady. I've missed the mondo you! I find the leaving the seeds alone for a bit one of the hardest things to do. Especially as "doers". I can so see why you would disappointed in that dream not happening in August. But it just gets me thinking what's in store instead? Outside of Canada and NY. Is it your teaching dream perhaps?
ReplyDeleteAnd I think when a timeline doesn't happen, or PMS kicks you in the ass, that's when you should write the most! Even if it's just to say WTF? out loud.